I am feeling down.
Disturbingly and disgustingly (with myself) down.
I want to cry and walk away from everything. But, I cannot. It is not permissible for me to do that. I have to take care of Siew and Felix, but I feel like such a fake in everything in my life.
I will not explain that on here. Some know what I mean, most will not know what I mean.
I have been feeling stressed and depressed, but I had been keeping it under control. Sort of anyway. But, an event yesterday pushed me too far.
I tried to explain how I feel to Siew, but she became angry at me, so I shut up and walked out of the room to finish getting ready for work. I don't want to argue over anything with her. I don't want to give her stress. I have always said that, but I know I have given her a lot of stress in life, including our boy Felix.
He is great when he's good, and terrible when he's bad. I know Siew is stressed and tired from taking care of him all of the time. I don't want to see her feeling so tired and stressed, but I can't do much more to help. I asked her if I can do anything else, but she says there is not.
I should eat, I should be eating better than I have been, but I haven't had the time or desire to do so. Nothing sounds good. Worse, I know that this fuels depression even more. I can't help it though. Nothing sounds good.
I know I need to get out of this cycle, but I am not sure how. I haven't got the outlets to let the stress out, and I haven't the time even if I had the outlets.
I just have to wait until this mood passes and try, try, not to let it come back again.
This post really does not adequately describe what I want to say, but there's a lot that I am not saying here because it is not something I want other people to read.
July 23, 2010
July 20, 2010
Posts
So, I have been posting very very little more and more recently. I apologize to those of you who actually read my blog.
I have been too busy, tired and/or lazy to write anything to post.
After Siew went to Penang to await the time for our child to be born, I found that I was spoiled by all of the things that she did for me. After that I had many more things to do for myself.
After that I had to go to Penang for a lot of trouble that I was not expecting with Siew's family, but that has passed and things are fine now, mostly due to the fact that we are not at her parents' house I suspect.
Poor Siew had to stay at her parents' house for several weeks after Felix was born, which was stressful to us both.
Once we got back to our place as a family, the real fun began. We have no help here. It is common for people to hire maids in Malaysia, but that is a strange concept to me, and not something I feel we can afford if we wanted to. I suggested a washing machine and or a part-time maid, but Siew vetoed them both. So, I have been doing my best to help clean things up around the house. I try to wash all of the clothes. I am not used to washing by hand, but I am getting used to it.
I really want to absorb all of the things that I can so Siew has less pressure. She has a huge amount of pressure from out son. He is wonderful, but sometimes he is so fussy that I do not know how Siew can deal with him all of the time. I hope that she is not as stressed about it as I am!
I think Siew is doing a wonderful job as a mother. Felix is doing his best to drive us crazy, hopefully he settles down soon and is less "colicky," but I am not sure how long that well take.
So, that is an update, however short. I apologize for delaying.
I have been too busy, tired and/or lazy to write anything to post.
After Siew went to Penang to await the time for our child to be born, I found that I was spoiled by all of the things that she did for me. After that I had many more things to do for myself.
After that I had to go to Penang for a lot of trouble that I was not expecting with Siew's family, but that has passed and things are fine now, mostly due to the fact that we are not at her parents' house I suspect.
Poor Siew had to stay at her parents' house for several weeks after Felix was born, which was stressful to us both.
Once we got back to our place as a family, the real fun began. We have no help here. It is common for people to hire maids in Malaysia, but that is a strange concept to me, and not something I feel we can afford if we wanted to. I suggested a washing machine and or a part-time maid, but Siew vetoed them both. So, I have been doing my best to help clean things up around the house. I try to wash all of the clothes. I am not used to washing by hand, but I am getting used to it.
I really want to absorb all of the things that I can so Siew has less pressure. She has a huge amount of pressure from out son. He is wonderful, but sometimes he is so fussy that I do not know how Siew can deal with him all of the time. I hope that she is not as stressed about it as I am!
I think Siew is doing a wonderful job as a mother. Felix is doing his best to drive us crazy, hopefully he settles down soon and is less "colicky," but I am not sure how long that well take.
So, that is an update, however short. I apologize for delaying.
June 13, 2010
Life, the Universe, and Everyone
To start. . . FOOLED YOU! Those of you who have read Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy might, might, have mis-read my title as "Life, the Universe, and Everything." Har har
Ok, enough non-sense.
I KNOW that many of you have been wondering about our child.
I took two weeks off and went back to Penang to, hopefully, be there for the time that Siew gives birth to our child.
My timing was lucky. Within a few days of being there, Siew began to have contractions at 12:30am May 22nd. After a long, painful wait she delivered our boy at 7:47am May 22nd, 2010.
Felix Songze Travers weighed 3.23 kilograms, 7.106 pounds, and was 51 centimeters long, 20.07 inches.
Siew and Felix had to remain in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights before we could return to her parents' house.
While in the hospital we began to have minor conflicts with her mother.
Siew's mother and Siew's youngest sister came to visit. Siew's room was a shared room. So, I was shocked when her mom walks into the room and starts talking very loud. One, it is a hospital! Two, we are in a shared room and there are people, with a baby of their own, in said room. I asked them to speak more quietly. They gave me bad looks for having the nerve to ask them to talk softly. . . in a hospital!
Later there was more conflict over use of a child-safety seat. There is a lot of established history of death or severe injury to children who are not properly restrained in a vehicle. However, here in Malaysia, it is commonly believed that a baby should be held in a vehicle. . . I won't tell how much I HATE that this is the way things are done here. Anyway, there was a short disagreement with Siew's father and I about using a car-seat, but he finally accepted that I would be using a safety seat.
Once we got Siew and Felix back to her parents' house we found out that Siew's mother had allll kinds of ideas about what should and should not be done, but she was unwilling to TELL them. Instead she just acted on her own ideas, without informing anyone about what she would be doing. She, additionally, set up a double standard of things that are ok for her to do, but not for anyone else to do.
I'm not going into details here. Let's just say that it was stressful for Siew and I both and ended up having a big family debate over a bunch of bullshit that all stemmed from Siew's mother.
After my 2 weeks off, I had to return to KL, alone. Siew and Felix remained in Penang and I had to come back to life alone here. Leaving them behind was very very difficult. I cannot wait until I can go and get them and bring them HOME.
Felix is a healthy boy who is being breastfed well by his mother. Siew is doing a terrific job in taking care of him. When I was with them I tried to help as much as I can, but there are just some things that I cannot do. . . like breastfeeding.
When we're all together again, I will continue to help as much as possible. We are also using cloth diapers instead of disposables. That is good for the environment. .. but the REAL reason we're doing that is that it is better for Felix's skin and future potty training efforts.
Well, I guess I will throw up a few pictures, not many though, I don't want too much lost privacy in this regard.
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Ok, enough non-sense.
I KNOW that many of you have been wondering about our child.
I took two weeks off and went back to Penang to, hopefully, be there for the time that Siew gives birth to our child.
My timing was lucky. Within a few days of being there, Siew began to have contractions at 12:30am May 22nd. After a long, painful wait she delivered our boy at 7:47am May 22nd, 2010.
Felix Songze Travers weighed 3.23 kilograms, 7.106 pounds, and was 51 centimeters long, 20.07 inches.
Siew and Felix had to remain in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights before we could return to her parents' house.
While in the hospital we began to have minor conflicts with her mother.
Siew's mother and Siew's youngest sister came to visit. Siew's room was a shared room. So, I was shocked when her mom walks into the room and starts talking very loud. One, it is a hospital! Two, we are in a shared room and there are people, with a baby of their own, in said room. I asked them to speak more quietly. They gave me bad looks for having the nerve to ask them to talk softly. . . in a hospital!
Later there was more conflict over use of a child-safety seat. There is a lot of established history of death or severe injury to children who are not properly restrained in a vehicle. However, here in Malaysia, it is commonly believed that a baby should be held in a vehicle. . . I won't tell how much I HATE that this is the way things are done here. Anyway, there was a short disagreement with Siew's father and I about using a car-seat, but he finally accepted that I would be using a safety seat.
Once we got Siew and Felix back to her parents' house we found out that Siew's mother had allll kinds of ideas about what should and should not be done, but she was unwilling to TELL them. Instead she just acted on her own ideas, without informing anyone about what she would be doing. She, additionally, set up a double standard of things that are ok for her to do, but not for anyone else to do.
I'm not going into details here. Let's just say that it was stressful for Siew and I both and ended up having a big family debate over a bunch of bullshit that all stemmed from Siew's mother.
After my 2 weeks off, I had to return to KL, alone. Siew and Felix remained in Penang and I had to come back to life alone here. Leaving them behind was very very difficult. I cannot wait until I can go and get them and bring them HOME.
Felix is a healthy boy who is being breastfed well by his mother. Siew is doing a terrific job in taking care of him. When I was with them I tried to help as much as I can, but there are just some things that I cannot do. . . like breastfeeding.
When we're all together again, I will continue to help as much as possible. We are also using cloth diapers instead of disposables. That is good for the environment. .. but the REAL reason we're doing that is that it is better for Felix's skin and future potty training efforts.
Well, I guess I will throw up a few pictures, not many though, I don't want too much lost privacy in this regard.
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June 1, 2010
What Dungeons and Dragons Character are you?
I Am A: Neutral Good Human Druid (5th Level)
Ability Scores:
Strength-15
Dexterity-16
Constitution-15
Intelligence-16
Wisdom-17
Charisma-13
Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.
Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Class:
Druids gain power not by ruling nature but by being at one with it. They hate the unnatural, including aberrations or undead, and destroy them where possible. Druids receive divine spells from nature, not the gods, and can gain an array of powers as they gain experience, including the ability to take the shapes of animals. The weapons and armor of a druid are restricted by their traditional oaths, not simply training. A druid's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that they can cast.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
You can take the quiz yourself, here:
http://www.easydamus.com/character.html
Be warned, it is a long one.
Ability Scores:
Strength-15
Dexterity-16
Constitution-15
Intelligence-16
Wisdom-17
Charisma-13
Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.
Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Class:
Druids gain power not by ruling nature but by being at one with it. They hate the unnatural, including aberrations or undead, and destroy them where possible. Druids receive divine spells from nature, not the gods, and can gain an array of powers as they gain experience, including the ability to take the shapes of animals. The weapons and armor of a druid are restricted by their traditional oaths, not simply training. A druid's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that they can cast.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
You can take the quiz yourself, here:
http://www.easydamus.com/character.html
Be warned, it is a long one.
May 16, 2010
Names
Siew and I have remained old-fashioned about the sex of the baby. Since ultra-sound scans can be dangerous to a baby's ears, I requested that only the scans necessary to check on the baby be done. Nothing extra, including looking for the sex of the baby.
People have, for thousands and thousands of years, not known the sex of the baby. It is only a few months wait to find out. I think that it is better to not know and have a healthier child than to know to settle my own curiosity.
Siew and I have decided that we will name the child this way:
I pick the first name, she picks the middle name and the baby will have my surname.
The first name will be a western name and the middle name will be a Chinese name.
I looked around for awhile, and asked my parents for names of family members and suggestions that they like.
Debra and my father sent me a wonderful list of family member names. My mother and Marty sent me a list of bullshit names.
Debra wrote this e-mail that also includes some information she found online. She took it seriously, keep this in mind:
How fun....here you go I gathered a few generation of names off of my genealogy...if you need more I can give you sibling names...Have fun you two!!!! xoxoxo mom
Girl Family Names...
Popular girl names currently in the US: Ashlyn, Allison, Anamarie, Alondra, Amanda, Bella, Cassie, Haylee, Isabelle, Jessica, Kara, Laura, Michelle, Melissa, Mary, Sarah, Tessa, Vanessa, Cami
Debra Lee Travers, your stepmom
Crystal Maxine Travers, your grandma
Etta Elizabeth Travers, your great grandmother
Allie Christmas Kells, your great grandmother
Allie Jane Scott, your great grandmother
Millicent Mellissa Fuller, your great grandmother
Henrietta Jane Weathers, your great great grandmother
Amanda Ann Black, your great great grandmother
Della Ruth Brubaker, your great great grandmother
Elizabeth "Libby" Dean Crowl, your great great great grandmother
Boy Family Names...
Popular boy names currently in the US: Aaron, Brett, Brad, Caine, Colten, Darrin, Jackson, Kevin, Michael, Austin, Parker, Preston, Wesley, Zachary
Glen Eldon Travers, your dad
Harvey Harold Travers, your grandfather
William Wilber Travers, your great grandfather
Don R. Carroll, your great grandfather
James Gillman Carroll, your great grandfather
Samuel William Carroll, your great great grandfather
Robert Fulton Kells, your great grandfather
Joseph Scott Jr., your great great grandfather
John William Brubaker, your great great grandfather
Robert Crowl, your great great grandfather
My mother sent this e-mail, she did not show a serious attitude, in fact she didn't do as I requested at all and showed a VERY immature and insulting attitude:
Boys:
Worth
Caleb
Bam Bam (Marty's idea-lol)
David (Marty's)
Alistair
Avery
Burke
Dalton
Colorado (Marty's)
Derrick (Marty's)
Sage
Gabe
Sage
Whitney
Hunter
Jace-means healer
Jesse
Mikhail
Nelson
Marty fell asleep.....lol he just got back from lunch with Mema!
Girls:
Paige
Aubrey
Unice or Eunice
Tayla
Sadie
Saffron
Phoebe
April
May
June
Maggie Ann Fager
Josephine
Delbert Ray Klassy
There are some. I'm sure you will find the right name.
Love,
Mom
The nature of these e-mails shows, to me, how each person took this. Debra took this as something fun, interesting and serious. My mother took it as a joke and made it into an insult to me.
I was very angry when I read mom's list. I was very happy when I read Debra's list.
In the end I decided on 2 names, that Siew approves of. If the baby is a girl, her name will be Delfina. If the baby is a boy, his name will be Felix.
There are several reasons for these names. The first is that they are neutral names. They are not biblical names, they are Latin. Living in a country like Malaysia, this may be helpful to our child. As I am not Christian, there is no reason to specifically give a Christian name. The next reason is that these names sound nice, and are not too difficult for people in the West and East to say. I also like the meanings of these names, in Latin. Delfina means dolphin, which is a beautiful and intelligent creature. Felix means luck or lucky, I need not elaborate on that one.
Siew has picked out some Chinese names that she likes:
For Boy:
1. yu-peng 宇鹏 *yu - universe/world *peng - Roc/Large fabulous bird
2. yuan-tao 元涛 *yuan - primary/basic/first *tao - great waves/billow
3. song-ze 颂泽 *song - glorify/praise/celebrate *ze - benefit/lake/water/blessing
4. li-peng 礼鹏 *li - Ceremony/Gift/Ritual/Courtesy/Propriety/Rite/Proprieties/Manners *peng - Roc/Large fabulous bird
5. song-peng 颂鹏 *song - glorify/praise/celebrate *peng - Roc/Large fabulous bird
For Girl:
1. ying-shuang 樱双 *ying - cherry/sakura *shuang - double/pair/couple
2. qiao-shuang 乔双 *qiao - tall/to disguise *shuang - double/pair/couple
3. meng-shuang 梦双 *meng - dream *shuang - double/pair/couple
4. you-meng 优梦 *you - excellent/outstanding/brilliant/untouchable *meng - dream
5. yue-meng 悦梦 *yue - happy/pleased/delighted *meng - dream
6. yi-meng 艺梦 *yi - art/skill *meng - dream
I have not heard how these sound to give a ye or nay to these names yet though. :-)
Siew's mother suggested a name that I really had to veto. She suggested Jian Bang for a boy's name. She knows I like swords and suggested Jian because that is the Chinese word for sword. However, naming the boy something like that just doesn't "feel" right to me, so I said no to that part. Bang is horrible. It may be ok in Chinese, but we have to consider that our child is the product of many cultures. Bang, in English, is a sound to show an explosion or a loud noise. This is not something that I would want our child to have to carry around.
Our baby is due May 26th. I am excited, nervous, anxious and a whole host of other things about that.
Siew and I are about to really begin the journey of becoming a family.
People have, for thousands and thousands of years, not known the sex of the baby. It is only a few months wait to find out. I think that it is better to not know and have a healthier child than to know to settle my own curiosity.
Siew and I have decided that we will name the child this way:
I pick the first name, she picks the middle name and the baby will have my surname.
The first name will be a western name and the middle name will be a Chinese name.
I looked around for awhile, and asked my parents for names of family members and suggestions that they like.
Debra and my father sent me a wonderful list of family member names. My mother and Marty sent me a list of bullshit names.
Debra wrote this e-mail that also includes some information she found online. She took it seriously, keep this in mind:
How fun....here you go I gathered a few generation of names off of my genealogy...if you need more I can give you sibling names...Have fun you two!!!! xoxoxo mom
Girl Family Names...
Popular girl names currently in the US: Ashlyn, Allison, Anamarie, Alondra, Amanda, Bella, Cassie, Haylee, Isabelle, Jessica, Kara, Laura, Michelle, Melissa, Mary, Sarah, Tessa, Vanessa, Cami
Debra Lee Travers, your stepmom
Crystal Maxine Travers, your grandma
Etta Elizabeth Travers, your great grandmother
Allie Christmas Kells, your great grandmother
Allie Jane Scott, your great grandmother
Millicent Mellissa Fuller, your great grandmother
Henrietta Jane Weathers, your great great grandmother
Amanda Ann Black, your great great grandmother
Della Ruth Brubaker, your great great grandmother
Elizabeth "Libby" Dean Crowl, your great great great grandmother
Boy Family Names...
Popular boy names currently in the US: Aaron, Brett, Brad, Caine, Colten, Darrin, Jackson, Kevin, Michael, Austin, Parker, Preston, Wesley, Zachary
Glen Eldon Travers, your dad
Harvey Harold Travers, your grandfather
William Wilber Travers, your great grandfather
Don R. Carroll, your great grandfather
James Gillman Carroll, your great grandfather
Samuel William Carroll, your great great grandfather
Robert Fulton Kells, your great grandfather
Joseph Scott Jr., your great great grandfather
John William Brubaker, your great great grandfather
Robert Crowl, your great great grandfather
My mother sent this e-mail, she did not show a serious attitude, in fact she didn't do as I requested at all and showed a VERY immature and insulting attitude:
Boys:
Worth
Caleb
Bam Bam (Marty's idea-lol)
David (Marty's)
Alistair
Avery
Burke
Dalton
Colorado (Marty's)
Derrick (Marty's)
Sage
Gabe
Sage
Whitney
Hunter
Jace-means healer
Jesse
Mikhail
Nelson
Marty fell asleep.....lol he just got back from lunch with Mema!
Girls:
Paige
Aubrey
Unice or Eunice
Tayla
Sadie
Saffron
Phoebe
April
May
June
Maggie Ann Fager
Josephine
Delbert Ray Klassy
There are some. I'm sure you will find the right name.
Love,
Mom
The nature of these e-mails shows, to me, how each person took this. Debra took this as something fun, interesting and serious. My mother took it as a joke and made it into an insult to me.
I was very angry when I read mom's list. I was very happy when I read Debra's list.
In the end I decided on 2 names, that Siew approves of. If the baby is a girl, her name will be Delfina. If the baby is a boy, his name will be Felix.
There are several reasons for these names. The first is that they are neutral names. They are not biblical names, they are Latin. Living in a country like Malaysia, this may be helpful to our child. As I am not Christian, there is no reason to specifically give a Christian name. The next reason is that these names sound nice, and are not too difficult for people in the West and East to say. I also like the meanings of these names, in Latin. Delfina means dolphin, which is a beautiful and intelligent creature. Felix means luck or lucky, I need not elaborate on that one.
Siew has picked out some Chinese names that she likes:
For Boy:
1. yu-peng 宇鹏 *yu - universe/world *peng - Roc/Large fabulous bird
2. yuan-tao 元涛 *yuan - primary/basic/first *tao - great waves/billow
3. song-ze 颂泽 *song - glorify/praise/celebrate *ze - benefit/lake/water/blessing
4. li-peng 礼鹏 *li - Ceremony/Gift/Ritual/Courtesy/Propriety/Rite/Proprieties/Manners *peng - Roc/Large fabulous bird
5. song-peng 颂鹏 *song - glorify/praise/celebrate *peng - Roc/Large fabulous bird
For Girl:
1. ying-shuang 樱双 *ying - cherry/sakura *shuang - double/pair/couple
2. qiao-shuang 乔双 *qiao - tall/to disguise *shuang - double/pair/couple
3. meng-shuang 梦双 *meng - dream *shuang - double/pair/couple
4. you-meng 优梦 *you - excellent/outstanding/brilliant/untouchable *meng - dream
5. yue-meng 悦梦 *yue - happy/pleased/delighted *meng - dream
6. yi-meng 艺梦 *yi - art/skill *meng - dream
I have not heard how these sound to give a ye or nay to these names yet though. :-)
Siew's mother suggested a name that I really had to veto. She suggested Jian Bang for a boy's name. She knows I like swords and suggested Jian because that is the Chinese word for sword. However, naming the boy something like that just doesn't "feel" right to me, so I said no to that part. Bang is horrible. It may be ok in Chinese, but we have to consider that our child is the product of many cultures. Bang, in English, is a sound to show an explosion or a loud noise. This is not something that I would want our child to have to carry around.
Our baby is due May 26th. I am excited, nervous, anxious and a whole host of other things about that.
Siew and I are about to really begin the journey of becoming a family.
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