Down

I am feeling down.

Disturbingly and disgustingly (with myself) down.

I want to cry and walk away from everything. But, I cannot. It is not permissible for me to do that. I have to take care of Siew and Felix, but I feel like such a fake in everything in my life.

I will not explain that on here. Some know what I mean, most will not know what I mean.

I have been feeling stressed and depressed, but I had been keeping it under control. Sort of anyway. But, an event yesterday pushed me too far.

I tried to explain how I feel to Siew, but she became angry at me, so I shut up and walked out of the room to finish getting ready for work. I don't want to argue over anything with her. I don't want to give her stress. I have always said that, but I know I have given her a lot of stress in life, including our boy Felix.

He is great when he's good, and terrible when he's bad. I know Siew is stressed and tired from taking care of him all of the time. I don't want to see her feeling so tired and stressed, but I can't do much more to help. I asked her if I can do anything else, but she says there is not.

I should eat, I should be eating better than I have been, but I haven't had the time or desire to do so. Nothing sounds good. Worse, I know that this fuels depression even more. I can't help it though. Nothing sounds good.

I know I need to get out of this cycle, but I am not sure how. I haven't got the outlets to let the stress out, and I haven't the time even if I had the outlets.

I just have to wait until this mood passes and try, try, not to let it come back again.

This post really does not adequately describe what I want to say, but there's a lot that I am not saying here because it is not something I want other people to read.

Posts

So, I have been posting very very little more and more recently. I apologize to those of you who actually read my blog.

I have been too busy, tired and/or lazy to write anything to post.

After Siew went to Penang to await the time for our child to be born, I found that I was spoiled by all of the things that she did for me. After that I had many more things to do for myself.

After that I had to go to Penang for a lot of trouble that I was not expecting with Siew's family, but that has passed and things are fine now, mostly due to the fact that we are not at her parents' house I suspect.

Poor Siew had to stay at her parents' house for several weeks after Felix was born, which was stressful to us both.

Once we got back to our place as a family, the real fun began. We have no help here. It is common for people to hire maids in Malaysia, but that is a strange concept to me, and not something I feel we can afford if we wanted to. I suggested a washing machine and or a part-time maid, but Siew vetoed them both. So, I have been doing my best to help clean things up around the house. I try to wash all of the clothes. I am not used to washing by hand, but I am getting used to it.

I really want to absorb all of the things that I can so Siew has less pressure. She has a huge amount of pressure from out son. He is wonderful, but sometimes he is so fussy that I do not know how Siew can deal with him all of the time. I hope that she is not as stressed about it as I am!

I think Siew is doing a wonderful job as a mother. Felix is doing his best to drive us crazy, hopefully he settles down soon and is less "colicky," but I am not sure how long that well take.

So, that is an update, however short. I apologize for delaying.